Worst. Holiday. Season. Ever.

There's a certian type of feeling you're supposed to have during December. Hell, there's even a song about it... but I haven't felt it all month.

For me, this month has been full of stress and fubared situations.

First of all, I had no less then four birthdays to deal with this month: My grandmothers, my sisters, my nieces, and my middle school friend, Nichole's.

I was not able to attend a single one, and since Nichole's was the first I'd planned to go too, it was the most fucked up. I didn't get paid until 2 days beforehand, and you know what? I didn't get paid -enough-. Nearly $80 less then I had expected, actually. There was no way in HELL I could afford to drive nearly 4-500 miles round trip, especially not in winter conditions with my car needing work.

That didn't start my holiday season well though. On top of that, we never decorated at work, and due to the assholes that will get mad if you can't magically guess their religion or celebration choices, I haven't wished anyone a happy anything (see older post). Also, we never trimmed the tree at home because everyone is too broke to buy ornaments. It just doesn't -feel- like Christmas.

Then, my nieces 1st birthday was yesterday, and I had scrimped and saved to get everything together. I switched shifts with a co worker to do the 5am - 3pm shift, and cut out early with mamagers permission so I was on the road by 1PM. Party was at 4. I'd gotten all my families Chirstmas presents (meager as they were, due to the lesser paycheck) ready, as well as Angels birthday gift, and Grandma's birthday gift, which I was going to give her after dinner.

But, on the way down there I decided to stop at home and give Zy some lovin's. The speed bumps Danco built are like, 4 times as big as they need to be where I live though, and I wasn't paying attention; I scraped hard and blew out the plug on my transmission pan. I didn't realize it until I got to the shell station, and I turned right around. I didn't make it home though... the car was shuddering too hard. I had to leave her on the side of the freeway and walk home in the rain. We got her home by putting 2 quarts in and then booking it, but I missed my little nieces 1st birthday.

So... it took $60 for all the shit I needed to fix my car, and that was all I had left for Christmas presents for my local friends and room mates. I'd already gotten presents for my family, but not anyone else.

I just got back fromt he mall with Zy a little while ago... I streatched out my last fucking $20 as much as I could to get everyone SOMETHING, and I missed a couple people.

Then I couldn't find anything for Tim (other room mate) so Zy said the gamecube/wii compatable old school controllers he got him could be from both of us, since he got a set of 2. I told him that would be cool... but he didn't want to wait until Christmas to use them, so what does he do? He fucking GAVE IT TO HIM as soon as we got home and said "Merry Christmas Tim"... That pretty much ruined that for me.

Now... Tim already gave Ruby her Christmas gift because she was upset last week... and now Zy gave Tim his gift... Zy knows what I got him for Christmas, so whats the damn point?

So I'm in the bedroom, all disapointed and pissed off, wrapping his gift and some other stuff, and the fucking $4 wrapping paper (which was in a basket for $1.99 but the prick at Walgreens wouldn't honor the price) isn't big enough to wrap all the shit I got.. so I had to streatch THAT as far as I fucking could also... and then, it fucking RIPS... IT RIPPED!!!

And then Zy comes walking in, and sees me re-wrapping his XBox360. Since he'd wrapped mine in duct tape, I was planning on tripple layering his as a joke to put some of the surprise back into Christmas Morning: He had a layer of the crappy, ripped paper.... a layer of duct tape... a layer of masking tape to make him think it would be easy, and then a layer of nice wrapping paper to throw him off guard. He came in while I was halfway done and the duct tape was still showing.

At this point, I was so frustrated and upset that I threw my hands up, said "FUCK IT" and went into the living room.

Apparently, he'd wanted to play Warcraft3 on his PC. I was feeling snappy, so I said "Sure, whatever... matter of fact, why don't you open the XBox and play Halo 3 since you already know about it, and you already gave Tim his gift. Why wait until Christmas? It means nothing anyway..."

Update:

While I was sitting here fuming and feeling like shit, Zy went and got more wrapping paper.

Part of me is greatful, but the other half wants to roll my eyes because I'd asked him to help me pay for wrapping paper earlier, and he'd said no; he couldn't even spare $5 - and thus I was only able to buy the one crappy roll... yet now he goes out of his way to get more.

I'm in one of those girly, female moods where I don't WANT to feel better... but that's not okay, ever so I think I'm going to use the wrapping paper Zy got me to finish wrapping the sucktacular, meager ass gifts I got everyone and hopefully things will get better... -.-

Next Christmas, I'm not going to try as hard.

Oh for the love of...

I had one of those dreams last night, where you wake up, realize you were dreaming and can think of nothing to say but "Oh Thank Fucking Whoever..."

This is the second time I remember that I've had the "Last Couple Hours of Pregnancy and then Hey, Baby! ... Now What Do I Do With It?" dream.

My primary concern was that Zy and I had agreed in high school that we didn't want kids. My biology teacher, Mrs. Bailey, used to tell us stories about traveling the world during summer vacation; how she'd been to Egypt and Africa and Paris and several other places. I asked how she could afford that on teachers pay, because most everyone said that teachers don't get paid very well and her response was that she didn' have any kids.

I took Mrs. Bailey into consideration when Zy mentioned that he never wanted kids. His reasons are that the world is so over populated that it would be counterproductive, and the body has pretty much served natures function after reproduction, and thus, is meant to start dying. That's not even to mention the 3.something million dollars it takes to properly raise a child. Pretty much, he wants to live his life, and having kids would put an end to that. His life would then center around another being, and not himself or me.

I actually don't consider this selfish. A lot of people think it's selfish to not want kids so that you can have a more filling life. However, when people like my sister want to "have as many as they can before menopause" I think Why? Your ass is living at home with mom and grandma, you can't afford to go out to dinner, how can you afford to raise a child much less give it... oh, I dono... a childhood? We're burning up our resources as it is. Why, oh fucking why, do people need 4 - 7 kids?

So... when I dream about having kids, I keep this mentality somehow, and it was actually kind of an annoying mini-nightmare.

My first thoughts were "Congratulations, April... I'm not sure how you pulled it off, but you have effectively just ruined three lives." (Zy's, my own, and the kids... its not her fault we didn't want her.)

Funny side note... While I was holding the kid and trying to get my head on strait, Zy came in and saw her. I should have realized it was a dream: his hair was fucking blue.

Anyway, Zy with bright blue hair and a silver ear ring looks at me, looks at kiddy, bops both of us on the back of the head, and walks off.

I think he was telling both of us to wake up. My alarm clock was going off anyway.

Daydreams of Stuff I Can't Afford.. La De Da

I've been thinking about laser eye surgery.

According to my old optometrist, I'm eligible, as my contact lense prescription has not changed in over two years. Thus, I've been researching the pros and cons.

Big con is that it's not yet FDA approved, and was phrased to "decrease dependancy on contact lesnses and glasses"... which indicates to me that it's not a "cure". Also, the after affects of surgery can impair my night driving for up to six months, and they prefer to only do one eye at a time... so that's a whole year that I'd be driving during daylight hours only.

Pros include that it's only about $300 per eye for people with mildly bad eyesight. I don't know my 20/20 but my prescription is pretty common. Its -1.00 in the left eye, and -1.75 in the right eye. With my luck, I'll be one of those people that ends up with a $1200 bill in the end. However, contact lenses are roughly $160 a year if you count cheap ass lenses and the annual check up. It would be cheaper in the immediate to continue using contacts, but in the long run, the value of being able to watch a movie without spending 10 minuets in the bathroom poking myself in the eyeball until the little plastic disk fits... I'd say that's worth $1200 (Which would only provide my eye care for the next 6 - 9 years anyway).

I think I'll go in to one of the local offices and ask for a specific eligibility examination and an estimate. Also should look into if there are any student discounts or student insurance policies.

This is going to take a lot of thought... in the mean time, yay for pictures:

- Me With Glasses Vs Me Without Glasses -
(Isn't Zy Cute?)

Sources:

http://www.fda.gov/cdrh/lasik/expect.htm#after

http://www.allaboutvision.com/visionsurgery/other.htm

The past couple of weeks has been insane fun. Zack is on his December leave from the Navy and made our living room his home base. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm loving hanging out with him. Zy's been spending a lot of time with him too so hopefully he's made a new friend.

I'm actually on Zack's computer right now; it's a Dell tablet of sorts, and wow...

No, litterally, WoW. See, I've only ever played WoW on my crap ass Averatec laptop. With all the graphics turned down to low as possible I still get choppy, lag ridden performance. Not so here. (Then again, that a 3 year old laptop can run WoW at all is a point in her favor.) This machine runs that game like nobodies business and Zack invited me to play "whenever". It's fucking beautiful and the only reason I'm not playing right now is because I've been procrastinating writing about it for nearly a week.

I also meant to write about the belated wedding dinner that Zack held for Tim and Ruby. He invited Zy and I along, and took us to Abruzzi's. I've never been to a restaurant like that before, where if you have to look at the prices, you probably shouldn't be eating there. It was a very sweet guesture :3 He even ordered them a bottle of really nice champaign and once everyone had toasted, he gave the other 1/3rd of the bottle to the waitress to keep.

Zy suggested the pesto linguini, and I'm glad I took his advice. I felt a little like I should have ordered a salad and been done with it, because I had no cash, but Zack insisted that it was his treat, and to order what we really wanted, so I did. That was the most delicious pasta I've had in ages, and the non-alcoholic wine (I was driving) went sooo well with the chicken! Zack even got the cook to come out and torch the creme brule at our table.

After dinner, Zack wanted to go home and drink with his buddies (us) where nobody would have to drive. He asked me what I liked to drink, and I told him I kinda don't, because hard alcohol tastes like hairspray.

"Oooh, this is unacceptable! What *do* you like?"

I told him coffee, so what does he do? He brings me a huge, huge bottle of Baily's Irish Creme. I put it in my coffee, and I actually like it quite a bit! So yay! Now I can drink with everyone when the occasion calls for it. Whee! I actually had some last night, but since I'd also had an Aztec Grill chicken grande, I didn't get drunk until nearly 2 AM... but then I felt like I was on a boat or something with how the room and my legs were at odds.

Oooh... and I get really giggly.

Thanks so much, Zack! <3

Yay, I love my Zy <3

So, I was really worried about Zy's new job.

I thought it would really really suck to be away from him three days a week, but he seems really happy and honestly it's not as bad as I thought. I only have to sleep alone two days, and one of them is Wednesday. Wednesday is my "Monday" as far as work goes, and I have class and carpool that morning at 7. After school I have roughly an hour before my 10 hour retail shift, so Wednesday night I usually collapse anyway. Thursday is the night that sucks, but I know he'll be home Friday.

As much as I hate to admit it, the time apart has improved our relationship... bedroom business aside, the sweetheart brought me a long stem red rose for no reason the other day. I was sleeping... it was 3AM. He'd been up all night hanging out with Zack, and woke me with whispers and kisses. I barely woke up enough to hear him say that he'd brought me a present, and it was on the nightstand. He kissed me again and a few seconds later I rolled over and turned on the lamp. Awwww... it was a perfect, dark red, long stem rose in half bloom. I have no idea why this is so god damn romantic, but I seriously melted.

@------;-------

I'm a little burnt out on writing right now; I had an English Final today and it was kind of pop quiz style; she told us that if we'd been paying attention at all this semester we'd do fine, therefore she wasn't going to give us any clues as to what it would be until it was time to take it. Turned out she wanted a memo from me to her summarizing the class and giving recommendations for her next class.

The topic wasn't what was important: what was important was she wanted it in formal internal proposal format in memo media (and for those of you who don't know, theres like four different ways to do that). She said she'd be grading on format and content. Ugh... okay, no big. Actually kind of brainless. We had an hour, I was done in 36min and spent the rest of the class printing it out, reading it back to myself, changing this, tweeking that... oooh, is that a typo? Fascinating!

Anyway, it was an uber easy assignment, I just went way too far out of my way to make it -perfect- so my brain is kind of sapped for the creativity... but I have an A in that class, and today was the last day. I don't expect to have a final that easy ever again, and it was my first college final, so I'll savor the victory while I can.

W00t, Giftmas! There Goes My Mental Diet...

With today being the first day of December, it's also officially the first day of the Giftmas Shitfest.

I work in retail, so this is going to be especially fun. Aside from that, my personal life is tipsy turfy what with trying to kick the junk-food addiction during the time of gumdrops and sugar cookies, work, school, and the masochistic seasonal attempt to pay my bills while simultaneously upholding the ritualistic of the holiday season... such as spending hundreds of dollars on toys for full grown adults.

I am sorely tempted to not wish anyone a happy fucking anything, on part of the fact that there is a church literally 2 blocks from where I work, and 70% of my patrons are some denomination of Christian - because, Hell, it's just that kind of community. I for one, am not Christian, and see the upcoming holiday as merely fun. I have my own reasons for celebrating and so does everyone else, and as such I would like to honor and respect everyone else’s POV by offering a neutral greeting that simply means I hope everyone is enjoying the bright lights and potential for presents as much as I am. Unfortunately for me, this is not allowed, as it is considered some kind of a malicious blow against Christianity, as if I'd taken figurative baby Jesus right from his troth and shaken him until his little brain exploded on the inside of his head, causing him to die a full 33 years before he was supposed too, and thus, the end of the God Damned world.

That being said, Zy wants an Xbox 360, and I'm pretty sure I can pull it off while still managing to obtain decent toys for everyone else, if I ignore the fact that I am out of conditioner and severally budget all other aspects of my life until January... in which case Zy's Birthday becomes my new priority. Hopefully by then I’ll have my car paid off and some student aid though.