Suicide Dreams - It's Not What You Think

Last night, I had a dream I self-euthanized with the assistance of a medical professional. In my dream, I was in my father’s old house in Ukiah, California - only everything was white and sterile like a hospital.

There was something wrong with me. I had no idea what it was except for the generic sense that there was very little hope. Society had come out with a euthanasia pill for human beings and it had become common for people in my situation to take it.

I was just doing what was normal - what the doctors had told me to do and given me a perscription for. I had the pill and it was a big chalky horse pill looking thing that was white and flat. It kind of reminded me of the little water chestnuts in Chinese food, or a communion disk/cracker. (I'm not Catholic.)

Zy (my husband) and Francis (one of our mutual friends) were there; I'm guessing because they're the people I turn to when I'm in need of non-biased advice or support. Their presense was kind of comforting. Neither said a word though. Zy was standing in front of me looking at me while Francis was standing off to my right.

I was scared, but only the kind of scared you get before a shot. It frightens me now how I was treating it like ripping off a band aid then. I closed my eyes and thought, in my head, "do it; get it over with, just do it. Doitdoitdoitnow!" Then, like jumping out of an airplane, I took it. Once I took it, I became aware of the fact that I had just taken a pill chemically designed to cause the human body to die and the passive fear became consuming panic. I told Zy it was a mistake, I didn't want to give up on my life. So what if there was "no hope"- it seemed like ending it myself was the truly hopeless response.

I ran in the bathroom and caught my reflection in the mirror and my eyes were dilated all weird and I freaked out and tried to make myself throw up. I thought that if I could get most of it up, maybe I'd just get sick and go to the hospital and not actually die, but my throat was all dry and I couldn't make myself gag. I knelt by the toilet trying so hard to get my fingers down my throat, but my throat was closing around my fingers because there was no moisture and nothing happened. I started thinking, "oh god, oh my god this is real,” over and over with this mind shattering mentality of acknowledgement towards what was happening in what I can only describe as a traumatic response to shock. I was completely shocked that I’d actually put myself in this situation and traumatized by the fact that I was about to sit around and wait to die and I had no idea how long it would take or if it would hurt.

I woke up in a start and had no idea where I was for a second. Once I recognized my bedroom and the fact that I was in bed I realized it was a dream and there was just this amazing sensation of relief.

Zy has been sleeping on the floor for a week because his back is out and he blames our mattress. I can't afford to buy a new bed this month so we're going to try the chiropractor when I get paid instead. I crawled down there to wake him up because I needed him. He asked what was wrong and I told him what I'd drempt about. He said I was dead; this was the afterlife created by my consciousness. Then he hugged me. He can be a punk sometimes, but I love him.

I was still kind of disoriented, so I actually had to wonder for a second, but when my brain got a little less fuzzy and I sighed and told him “eh… this isn’t so bad” and went back to sleep.

Almost Fired: People Say Funny Things When They're On The Chopping Block...

Holy Anxiety Attack Batman!

I've complained several times over the past year and a half of the shady business that goes on towards customers at my current place of employment. I've felt genuinely bad for even staying on, considering some of the business ethics around here... I stay because I can't handle working retail along side full time classes right now, and in this rural area / college town, that's all undergraduates can usually get - retail.

A few months back, I had a customer call and tell me that someone from my office had cursed at her (actually used vulgar language) during a service call and she wanted to make a complaint. When she gave me the date and time, and a brief description of the voice, it turned out to be my boss! Great...

Sadly, I wasn't surprised; my boss is highly abrasive and says inappropriate things all the time, such as dropping F bombs and insults at employees (myself included) on a regular basis. I'm just recovering from a bout of enflamed eczema and the doctor at Open Door Clinic asked me if I was under any unusual stress. Hah...

So I did something controversial and flat out told the customer "You need to call corporate because that is completely unacceptable, but we are a licensee and honestly nothing is going to get done; the complaint will end here."

It did not occur to me that this person was dim enough to call back several months later (yesterday) and rub said bosses nose in it, with me being the only other female employee on staff (besides the boss) so "the other girl" is pretty descriptive in this case. Busted.

So I get to work and have a letter saying my betrayal is grounds for termination - um... no it's not, unless someone wants a lawsuit - but knowing that California is an "At-Will-Employment" state there are >9000 other things she could suddenly decide to let me go for, the most generic being "unsatisfactory performance." Stabbing your boss in the back with the corporate dagger is unsatisfactory performance, right?

Regardless, the illusion of trust is shattered and now she knows how I feel, and I'm about to get fired... Since I was 99% sure my ass wasabout to be unemployed, when she calls me in her office and asked "WTF?!" I sighed and folded my arms and told her what my husband has been telling me for the duration of my employment I should:I told her her that sometimes she is -very- harsh, and some of the words she uses -are- inappropriate and sometimes she downright mocks me, and it is not acceptable. I told her that when she lapsed her medication a few weeks ago she became a completely different person - one who was pleasant, civil a pleasure to work with and she really should get it checked out. I took a breath and told her that while I did not intend for my actions to be a malicious act of betrayal, and I was sorry for upsetting her, I did not feel I'd done anything wrong; in fact I felt that because she is so harsh with everyone here but there is no one here to check her, it needed to be done.

Shockingly... I am not fired. I’m not sure what happened, really, but she seems to want me to stay until the New Year, as I had already told her I was moving at that point anyway.

OMG I'm actually doing it...

*Deep Breaths*

... I'm selling my hair. Omg!

http://thehairtrader.com/viewlisting.asp?lid=259995

Holy Crap It's Clean?!

Ruby has been in Mendocino this week visiting her family, and when she left the cleaning bugs crawled out from under the couch and bit me in the ass. I always clean when no one is around to see my "process"... what a funny habit.

The FRIDGE is clean... as well as that space above the fridge. It's weird looking over there and seeing it. I accidentally destroyed one of Ruby's naruto pictures doing so - luckily I was able to find the exact same one online and print it out in color to replace it. I used the highest quality my printer can handle and, honestly, I think the new one is nicer.

I will post pictures of the clean apartment later, as the image belongs in a museum somewhere.

Apartments + No Solicitation - Posted Rules = Fail

Something is not right here...

My multiple run ins with the local Jehovas Witnesses and Latter Day Saints had lead me to put up a "No Solicitors" sign, despite the fact that our apartment complex has banned solicitation, because there are no signs posted to that effect and so they keep doing it anyway.

The other day, the apartment manager stopped by to fix a light fixture and informed me that we're not allowed to post signs, as there are rules to prevent us from needing them. That's nice, Alex, but how are they supposed to know unless there's a sign? There's no sign in the office window, there's no sign on the front of the complex, there's no sign out by the address post, nor are then signs on the fences, stairs, lawns, or anywhere else. How are they supposed to know that solicitation has been banned? Really, I want to know.

The way this system is set up, the only way they can possibly know, is if they solicit, and someone answers the door and tries to plow through their pitch to inform them of the rules. It defeats the point.

Why can't I avoid the whole thing by putting up a little sign? The complex having rules that only tennants and repeat offenders know about is almost as bad as not having those rules at all. If we don't communicate, how do we expect people to cooperate?


As for the sales people that visit me, if they look like normal people I tend to answer - for all I know it could be a neighbor needing help with something or a friend of my room mates, right?

And so just now someone knocked, and when I looked through the peephole it was this cute guy in casual clothes, so I assumed it was a neighbor and I answered. He introduced himself, made jokes, said he just wanted to get to know all the nighbors, then asked me if I'd vote for him... I'm thinking he's running for student councel (college town) or city councle, so I agree to listen.

Turns out he's just in a contest where he has to sell $45 magazine subscriptions and get calls from his customers praising him to win $1000 and some stupid cruise...

The cherry on top is that as part of his sales pitch he told me there's 50 other people in the contest who will likely drop by after him and if I bought a subscription I'd get a magnet to put on my door to let them know he'd already got me and they aren't allowed to bother me. Since I didn't buy one, every god damn one of them is gonna try to pull this song and dance, apparently.

It's almost like a war tactic...

How Would You Describe Me?

OMGz, Identity Crisis!!

Just for fun, as an exercise in self exploration through the perspective of others...

How would you describe me in two-five short paragraphs?

• Can you sum me up as a person?
• What characteristics stand out (or even sometimes glair)?
• What do you find most valuable as a friend, or just in general?
• What do you think my best/worst features are?
• What are my biggest setbacks/redemptions?
• What movie/folklore archetype would you label me as?*
• In D&D what class, race, and alignment would you use to RP as me in a fantasy setting?**

* ** Oh, Pleaaaaaase... I really want to know! <3

This is NOT some silly survey I got from MySpace or chain mail. I’m doing this myself just for fun, because with all the changes in my life right now I’m wondering how everyone else sees me as a person. I really, really appreciate everyone’s heartfelt and thoughtful responses. Thanks so much!

Vata, Minvashi...

When someone becomes lost, it is rare that they have choices as safe as the ones Zy and I are currently facing. Because my own perspective on the issues at hand are too close to the issue to allow me to face them rationally, I've been turning to the wisdom of others lately.

I have a favorite author; Morgan Howell (aka William Hubbell). He wrote Queen of the Orcs and A Girl Worth Ten Coppers - books I was unable to put down until they were done, and as much of a book worm and fiction lover as I am that's still saying something. Quite a lot of something, actually.

If you haven't read Royal Destany (Queen of the Orcs Book 3) this is going to be a spoiler, so back away from the blog...

Dar, or Dargu, the human woman who is adopted into Orcish society despite being a member of the filthy, vicious, dishonest human race, is able to do so because one orc, Koovak-mah, decides to give her a chance.

Through the first book, they build a bond. By the second book, they fall deeply in love despite their racial differences. In the third book, they are forbidden to be together although the chance that Koovak's mother may change her mind if Dar prooves herself worthy is part of the force the drives her to truely learn to be an orc. However, by learning to be an orc Dar learns to accept orcish tradition, and so in the end, when she has to become "thwada" to save the entire clan, she truely accepts what that means and honors it's consequences.

Thwada means "untouchable" and the kind of thwada Dar must become means that she is dead to the orcs, despite being very much still alive. Because of what she did for them all, being thwada makes her a "beloved memory" and an "honored ghost"... but it also means that no member of her clan may ever speak to her, acknowledge her presense, or even look her in the eye and so, she can never be with Koovak-mah.

Koovak-mah, however, is willing to defy tradition and run away with her, but Dar was Muth Mauk of her clan (One Mother/Queen) by the will of Muth La (Mother of All / God) and so she heartbreakingly tells him no, and to leave her because one should not speak to the dead.

At the advice of her adoptive orcish cousen, Zna Yat, she turns to a human man who loved her since the first book, but who's affection she had not returned because she was in love with Koovak, and it is indicated in the epilogue that they buy the farm he always wanted together and have daughters.

I emailed the writer, who I'd conversed with before, to ask him if Dar had settled for support instead of love, as women in midevil times sometimes had to do. He assured me in his own words that she did NOT; that she and Sevren did, in fact, end up truely loving eachother and finding happiness.

What he told me, that really struck me, and I think applies now to my personal life is this:

"I'm also convinced that Dar achieved happiness with Sevren. Kovok-mah was her first love, but it seems to me that often a first love's "job" is the teach you how to love. I believe that was Kovak-mah's lasting gift to Dar. Needless to say, she didn't end up as a Haus Frau. " - William Hubbell, Apr 29, 2009

With the trouble that Zyphre and I are currently facing, I remembered that email and realized that Zy was my first real everything. He was my first kiss, my first "time", the first boyfriend I lived together with, the longest standing relationship I've ever had (7 years this summer) and absolutely my first love.

Now that he's telling me we were too young, and that he feels like there's something he's missing out on that he won't ever be able to be happy without attempting to find on his own, my heart is breaking, but I wonder if it's right for us to just let each other go like that.

I don't want it to be, I love him so much, but thinking of it like that; him being my first love and his job being to prepare me for true love, it makes things sting a little less. I don't know. I really don't know how to feel.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a harsh phycotherapist who many say is much too tough on her listeners and patents. When defending this meathod of tough-love, she quoted Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University: “…when we get bad news, we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it. We change our behavior; we change our attitudes. We raise our consciousness and lower our standards. We find our bootstraps and tug. But we can’t come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don’t yet know.”

Depressed enough to actually say so...

As a girl, you get told from the time that you grow hips that knowing you're depressed is the best cure for depression, but I think they mean in the long term. Knowing I'm irrationally unhappy to the point of a fluttering in my chest and a random urge to curl up and cry doesn't actually make it go away omgrighnaow.

Zy, Ruby and "the gang" just left to have dinner at Three Foods; a semi-fancy yuppy restaurant in Arcata and although I was invited I opted not to go at the last second. I wanted to go. The food is awesome, and tonight it's free thanks to some promotion they're holding... which is awesome because I'm broke - so broke in fact, that I spent my last $5 on food at school and cringed at the $3 ATM Fee (Umpqua Bank rapes college students) only to find out a few hours later that I really... really... should have spent that $8 I didn't have on femine hygene products, because I'm all out here at home.

I actually ended up needing to leave school early because my cramps were making me feel like my back was horribly horribly out. 

So I had just realized that my one and only .25 pad I'd gotten at school had reached it's gtfo level and that I smelled icky when I heard "Oh crap... it's [our reservation] in 4 minuets! Time to go!"

For some reason... probably the fact that I've been leaning on her so heavily lately... I couldn't work up the guts to ask Ruby if I could have some fresh girly stuff from her stash, so instead I mumbled timmidly that I didn't think I wanted to go -  because I felt gross - and putting it off to just not feeling "pretty". Everyone was supportive in saying I looked fine, but that wasn't really the problem and I just sat there staring at my shoes and wishing I had enough time to at least take a shower and scrounge for a tampon somewhere in my room. 

I ended up not going after all and when everyone left I felt suddenly horribly lonley, like I was really missing out on what would probably be an awesome evening... and I so rarely get to interact with Marsala or Sicilly. Marsala probably thinks there's something odd with me now. I still don't have what I need to even feel clean. 

I feel so disgusting and unhappy, and knowing it isn't really helping at all.

This Should Catch Your Attention...

For those of you who haven't seen me lately, I have a few updates:

My hair now brushes my tailbone when I swish it back and forth

Either college is god awefully easy, or I'm secretly some sort of intellectual; as I am getting excellent marks in all my classes. For example, just flamed through a 45 problem exam w/5 short essays like it was nothing, and am fully confident I aced it.

I have discovered that procrastination is my greatest hurtle.

I've put on 10 pounds and I need to get rid of it. 

I really like coffee and cup-cakes. Oh... Fuck. That doesn't work.

I actually finished a drawing for once. I feel good about it. 

Check it out; http://kagekiss.deviantart.com =D

Went to Michigan on vacation, again. Zy's friend from Boston came here for a visit too.

Got the old Pulsar back - Blue is dead (Plymouth Neon)

Making Changes

I'm bored majoring in architecture.

I just want to draw blueprints and I hate all the extra classes I have to take... I don't give a damn what the difference between a duplex and a lathe nail are, or that they're measured in "pennies" which are written as "8D" and "16D" ect! I do not NEED to know that the "sheer strength" of a nail is 5oo pounds. Why would I need to know that?!

If I ever use a hammer my entire career it will be to hang my god-dammed diploma!

I understand why it's important for me to understand how the construction workers do their thing, so that proper communication may ensue, but bloody hell! Litterally half my classes are Carpentry and Construction Theory.

(I suppose on, one hand, it's a good thing because with this degree I would always be able to find work in either field, if you want to look at it from the bright side.)

I'm also upset thatI just finished busting my ass committing most of the International Residential Building Code to memory in order to get a B in Building Codes and Standards, and here in 2009 they're completely re-vamping the whole damn system! I'll have to retake that class again before I graduate if I want to be current enough to get into a good school (especially on scholarships) for my Bachelors’.

On the other hand, I have really enjoyed the anthropology and sociology classes I've been taking as electives, and I looked up the course requirements for a Bachelors’ of the Arts in Psychology and there are no off subject or filler classes.

It's all psyche theory and science: classes such as Personality Theory, Sensation & Perception, Social Influence and Persuasion, Psychology of Adolescence and Young Adult Hood, Stress & Wellness, and Substance Use & Abuse.

The only really difficult classes would be Psychological Testing and Measurement as well as Intro into Behavioral Neuroscience, but these are things I would need and having an understanding of them would make me a smarter, more perceptive person anyway. I’d throw myself into them and I know I could pull out As.

I think I’d enjoy working as a shrink… I’ve seen enough bad shrinks to know exactly what stereotypes people who dislike therapists expect and how to avoid them. I’m also usually the shoulder with the most cry on it in my social groups. Everyone tells me their problems, because I guess I seem receptive. I like listening… I know that having someone listen is usually the best therapy anyway, but being professionally trained to listen and help rebuild broken parts would suit me.

Yes, I know I’d get the not-so-occasional dingbat, drug addict, crazy person or even a few psychos… I’d probably if not defiantly get stuck as the only outlet for some drug addicted loser who beats their wife and molests their kids, and I’d have to listen to them pour all that out knowing that I’m technically a doctor and they are legally entitled to doctor-patience confidence. I have no doubt I’d end up, at some point, with some creepy guy who talks about his “fantasies” of rape or murder to disguise the fact that he actually IS a rapist or a murderer…

Zy would say I couldn’t handle it, but truth be told I know I could. It doesn’t bother me, honestly, and if someone got out of hand, it's as simple as “I think you’ve advanced beyond my expertise, so I’m referring you to so-and-so."

Maybe Zy’s friend Jagoex and I could work together.

;3

Perceptive Reality or Perception of Phych-Outs?

There is way to much coincidence that goes on it my life to seem like actual coincidence.

I like to believe in the idea that reality is perceptive and that mind over matter does work in the sense of the ability to form reality around oneself as an act of will.

Just this morning, I woke up about an hour before my alarm clock. I grumbled and went back to bed, then scared the crap out of myself when my alarm clock actually went off. I felt wonderfully well rested and for 6:30 in the morning it was awfully damn bright outside.

As I was walking to my office, I had that scary gut feeling that time was off and I might be late to work, even though I knew I wasn't. Space case that I am, I have no idea what actual dates daylights saving time falls on, but I found myself thinking "It seems like that should be coming up soon".

Low and behold, according to my morning paper, it's tomorrow.

I am beyond asking "what are the odds", as this kind of stuff happens so often anyway.

Zy thinks it's all in my head... but really... honestly, do the facts support such a casual dismissal? What if it's real, but it's not some metaphysical phenominon rather then an inner working of the human mind that we haven't explored yet?

What if our brains are capable of working on a secondary level so that my brain registered (using my biological clock rather then a man made calandar) approximately when I start getting up an hour earlier each year to the point where something akin to muscle memory knew it before my mind did, thus triggering the thoughts I had this morning?

What if human beings are capable this sort of thing as well as deja-vu and perceptive reality and "gut feelings" naturally? Perhaps religion has squelshed proper study of the subject, thus brushing it off as superstition?

If it's possible, why ignore it? Why not embrace it as a hypothesis with the possibility of awesomeness?

Why live life refusing to question?

Planning Future Pleasures <3

Dude... This is Awesome!


I have recently stumbled upon the world of College Student Discounts, and I love it. I found out that I can fly for uber cheap just about anywhere, and I was so excited about it I decided to play around and see about planning a trip for Zy and I to Seattle to check it out. For both of us it would only cost $350 for round trip flights.

Then I remembered there was another trip I promised him, and I should start thinking about it in the terms of serious-right-now planning, while I'm still eligable for these discounts.

So, from here to Romania is generally $1,598 just for the flight (Delta coach) apparently. That's not ideal, so I went to STA Student Experience and entered the same damn flight...

$995.20!! Whoo!



This is totally doable! This is only $100 more then my trip to Michigan last year! If I budget this right, Zy could be in Romania by September <3>=D

This might be TMI

I feel like a freak.

Yet, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Goths and punks are cool... why? Because non-conforming is a fancy way of saying one is unique? Individual? Different? Being abnormal is desirable?

Why?

Is it because being yourself - whoever that may be - creates freedom?

If that's the case, why should finding joy in freaky, weird ass shit be frowned upon?

I just had a major nose bleed, and by random craziness rather then get some tp and deal with it I let it drip into a chinese tea cup for a while, for no reason. When I got bored, I decided that instead of throwing it out I might create a little chaos by encouraging my magic practicing room mate if he wanted some blood, just for the sake of random stock.

He said "Nah man... only time I ever use blood is to do something to the owner, but thanks!"

So I went to try and clean the cup out and found that it had become a solid lump of tissue and I was like "Cool... o.o it's like a little organ!" and I dumped it out in my hands and was playing with it.

I was fascinated by how it got my hands completely bloody but didn't seem to be actually dissolving, and how smooth and soft it's texture was.

At one point I contemplated tasting it, because it was blood and few people really know what blood actually tastes like... then I remembered it came out of my nose and although I'm not sick at the moment that just seemed gross.

I didn't taste it. But eventually I did get bored with it, and I let it go down the drain, then washed my hands feeling oddly giddy.

It's fun to be a freak.

Welcome 2009

As tradition calls for, it's time for some changes!

I know new years resolutions are seldom taken seriously, and Zy especially would say they're stupid, but I've decided to make a few and I'm pretty confident I can come through with them.

1. I will do all of my homework, on time, and even get ahead when possible
2. I will not have a single late or missing assignment.
3. I will use products and cleaning to keep my skin clear - no pricking or picking.

Simple things... but I have a habit of procrastinating and can still get A's - but not if I procrastinate too long and don't turn things in! It really sucks that I get A's on the things I do turn in and yet can still get B's and C's (and a couple D's) from this terrible, lazy habit. I've gotta knock it off.

On another note, I had horrible dreams last night... like, eyeballs getting poked out and eaten and scars coming open like fresh wounds kind of stuff - and I didn't even drink last night!!!